Becoming Crunchy

Amanda Metro

This guest post is written by Amanda Metro.

Amanda is a pirate who spends way too much time cleaning her gun. She enjoys whistle blowing, eye patch making, and relatively short walks on the beach (however long it takes to get to the boat). She has been pirating for the past 16 years and hopes to do it for the foreseeable future.

OK, OK, that’s not real. Here’s the real one.

Amanda mothers two beautifully intelligent girls who are 15 months apart and never cease to keep life interesting. She loves to garden, cook, sew and research everything green. Since the birth of her first daughter, she has been systematically growing greener and has no plans to stop any time soon. She is a volunteer for Natural Parents Network as an articles editor and social media moderator. She writes about as many different things as she can think of at Let’s Take the Metro.

How to Become Crunchy

First and foremost, you need to have teeth. If you don’t have teeth, invest in a good quality set of dentures. These will be useful to you.

Second, you should probably get a llama. Also a goat and a couple of chickens. What’s that? You live in an apartment in NYC? Hey, a llama can fit in an elevator. Relax.

So, you milk your goat and make cheese, the chickens will give you eggs and you can shave your llama and use its fur to make clothes because we KNOW you won’t be going to a store ever again. Heck, do you really need clothes? We aren’t born with them and we only die with them against our will. But I digress…

Next, you’ll need to grow some food. Do you have a double kitchen sink? Do you really need both sides? Go ahead and fill half of it with dirt and plop a tomato plant in it. This way, you’ll always have tomatoes at hand. (Get it? Hahaha!)

Speaking of cooking, I hope you have gas because you’re going to need it for your open flame. And no, I don’t mean the kind your husband provides, unless it’s really potent. You should probably break apart your stove and craft a spit (you can easily chop up a chair or two to do this) so you can roast an animal, potatoes or hang a kettle over your pit of deliciousness. Also keep in mind that your tomato plant probably doesn’t like fire so it’s good that you planted it next to running water.

Now you’ll need to become an attached parent. Don’t have kids? Get a dog. They share many of the same characteristics (drool, potty learning, likes to play with squeaky toys) so it will help you along your quest. You can also parent your chickens, goat and llama if you really feel up to it, but I’m not sure how happy that llama will be with you once you shave off all its fur.

Additionally, you’ll want to start exercising. You could ride around on your llama but that won’t do much for your pecs. Instead, go ahead and reconstruct Stonehenge in your back yard, to scale. It’s what crunchy people do.

Are you still living in that NYC apartment? Well, it’s time to move. Go get yourself a yurt and plop in on some island somewhere so that you can live off the map, grid and play a tremendously awesome game of hide and seek with everyone you know. Don’t fancy island life? There is one other option: live in a cave. Sure there’s only one source of light but you can decorate with twigs and fur and make it ‘homey’ in no time!

So you want to become crunchy? Follow these steps to a T and you will succeed.

If not, you’ll probably just end up moderately chewy.

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